Entrapment

I've started to grind my teeth in my sleep lately.

I would wake up from that sweaky noise in my mouth, realizing that I'm grinding my teeth.

And I know why. Tension. Stress from holding that tension inside, not able to resolve it (yet) and not able to vent it out either. Clenching my jaws tight. Zipping my lips closed.

And sometimes, when I try to tell a friend what's troubling me, I will struggle with my words, not knowing where to start, or how to express my thoughts. I had to concentrate on prying my teeth apart in order to let the words come out of my mouth.

Maybe I should try using my fingers instead of my mouth. No....not to pry my teeth open, but to say what I want to say.

OK. So, what's been troubling me?

Well, the kids health for sure. That's always numberrrrr ONE.

Then, two separate engagements that I'm trying to get myself out of.

First and foremost, part-time office work at the studio that I've supposedly resigned from. Really ticks me off coz I have no patience for things like these, dangling in mid-air, neither here nor there. Told the guy that I am quitting the office, and instead of discussing when my last day will be and what I got to hand-down etc, he said, "ok, let me talk to my wife first, we need to make some re-arranging". Sure---- but three days later, when I got back into the office again, he pretended that nothing has happened. I didn't want to be pushy, so I waited until after I finished teaching my class, but then, he was already gone for the day. Gone for the day? So now what? I don't want to be an irresponsible person and just walk away like that, but I can't keep going on like this either. I will have to go in next Wednesday and try to deal with him, probably have to name my last day there and set down all the remaining work. It's just a pain in the behind when I had to deal with dilly-dally people.

The second gig is also yoga-related. See what happens when you mix money with pleasure? Yoga by itself is bliss. Yoga as work becomes teeth (grinding).

See, I've promised my mentoring teacher who led me into yoga, that I will assist her in teaching a Yoga Teacher Training in China sometime this year. The gig was originally set for April, but it has been postponed as there wasn't enough applicants to justify the trip.

Then about a week ago, I got a call from my teacher saying that the hosting studio in China came back with a new proposal and a new shocking price. It's so dirt cheap - 30% of what everybody else charges, even in China. Their excuse was: Bad economy. Right. I happen to know of other yoga schools taking in more teacher trainees because of the economy, as people are all looking for alternative sources of income. I don't understand, nor do I care, why the hosting studio wants to charge such a low price. The bottom line is, I don't agree and I don't want to be involved.

But here's the catch. My teacher really wants to do it, and she wants me to assist her. She feels that it's always worthwhile as long as we can touch a few more people's lives. I have absolutely no qualms about that, and I'd gladly do my karma yoga, but I do have a HUGE problem selling myself cheap. As the studio charges for the course, this is no charity in anyway, so I cannot see how we will be touching some poor fella's life, except probably the studio owner's. But then my teacher says, "would you just do it this time one, for me?" and I got stuck. Trapped.

Arrrrrrgh.

It's been a battle between giving in to my conscience (gratitute towards my teacher) and upholding my principles. It's not an easy decision but I've finally came to realize that I will have to put my foot down and insist on a reasonable rate or I'll back away. Otherwise it will eat me alive as I can never force myself to do something I don't like doing. I will always end up screwing it up, so it's not a good idea at all. Nope. And it's not about how much I get paid in the end. It's a matter of principle. Our services comes with a price and we should not be taken advantaged of.

Hmmm... venting out feels good and looks like I'm cooking something up in the process as well. My chain of thought starts rolling and maybe it's time to pick up the phone to deal with the matter now.

Hopefully, I won't be grinding my teeth again tonight. Or tomorrow night.

Have a very pleasant weekend, everyone - and please, join the Earth hour tonight by turning off your lights!

-AM